I was a prominent doctor here in my town, my mother was Jewish, my father an Austrian. I was known for my thorough research on the cure of diseases like measles in my town. I had a beautiful Jewish wife, Anne whom I am so much in love with and she was the reason of my life. She was a literature professor in our local university just a few blocks away from our home. But, in November 1944; our nation faced yet another cruel world war. During this war ordeal, although my town was temporary safe from the Nazi, deep in my heart I knew this peace in our town would not last. Many of the townspeople had decided to leave Linz, but I was reluctant to, partly because Linz was my home, it was also because Anne was suffering from poor health condition; she was diagnosed with Pneumonia six months ago, and I’ve been solely responsible for her treatment. After months of medication and rest, she was gradually healing from Pneumonia. Therefore, I thought I should wait for her to recover fully before leaving this town because I was afraid that her weak body would not be able to keep up the tough journey.

During this difficult time, reports would come in everyday through media or newspapers informing that the war was becoming worse and soon we heard that Linz was no longer safe, but we were not afraid because we thought we would still have each other and we would leave in time before Linz would be attacked by the Germans. But, I was all too naive to think this way, soon the Nazi attacked, my town Linz was one of the places the Nazi came to invade. It all happened so fast, the next thing I knew, Anne and I were running for our lives. For all we know, it never occurred to us that such a thing will ever happened, we thought we would be safe in our area, but it was too late when we found out we’re wrong. As me and my wife, Anne ran away from our home together, I was determined to bring her to a safe place; it was all such a nightmare as people were in terror and scattered around with their belongings and loved ones, running for their lives away from the Nazi. Panic and urgency widespread across our town, with massive amount of people hurriedly leaving but it was all too late when I heard mass gunshots, firing from a distant behind us, Nazis shouting in German; I then witnessed many of our people including young children collapsed right after that, either completely paralyzed or struggling in agony, dying away. That’s when I lose grip of Anne as a Nazi held her by the hair and pulled her away from me. I heard her screaming in fear and I was terrified of losing my love and began to struggle against the soldier in attempt to free my wife from them, but I was kicked to the floor and a gun was pointed against Anne’s head at point blank, warning me that if I move a muscle, it would be the end of her, I succumbed to his demand and the next thing I know I was beaten up and the rest was forgotten.

I will never ever be able to find a word suitable enough to describe this forsaken place; I was brought to this camp as hard labour. It is said that this camp was built as a plant to assemble munitions, arms and fighter planes for the war. It was located on top of a hill, just beside some mines and minerals obtained from these quarries would be sold to subsidise the expenses of these camp. But, in actual fact, this was not the case. This concentration camp was later known as Mauthausen Concentration Camp, it is the only two camps in the whole of German colonised nations as Grade III Camps. These camps were intended to be the toughest camp for the “Incorrigible Political Enemies of the Reich”.

This camp housed the most educated people across Europe, including scientist, professors, controversial thinkers et cetera whom the Nazi felt is a threat to them; besides, ten thousands of socialists, anarchists, communists, homosexuals or even Roma and Jehovah Witnesses were placed in this camp, hoping that by providing limited food and harsh labour, the prisoners would soon be too weak to continue work and they would be send to be exterminated in gas chambers. Atrocities were happening everywhere at anytime because demented Nazis would find any means to torment each refugee. I’ve witnessed some of the most inhumane way of treating a human; those cold blooded wardens would kill prisoners by mass shooting, throwing them into electric fences so they would be electrocuted. Some other methods such as forcing the prisoners to get a cold shower and then exposed them nude to winter with temperature as low as -30 degree Celsius. I would hear screams and cries of agony from the victims as they freeze to death. Other infamous way of exterminating refugees from overcrowding the camp was by forcing inmates working in the quarry to race up the Stairs of Death with a hundred pounds of rocks on their chest, whoever wins would have to choose either to push the other losers off the quarry or be killed. I always heard fellow wardens near me making sick jokes about this, calling it the Parachutists Wall just that it was a free fall without a parachute at all, and that made me cursed the very existence of them. For the refugees in this camp the warmth of this world seems to have slip out of this place, leaving here nothing but the echoes of death and lost hope.

Refugees used as labours to assemble munitions were just an excuse by the Nazi; Grade III Camps were the most torturous and it was used for the extermination of intelligentsia through labour, who were among the most educated people and members of higher social class. Those weak and sickly whom the Nazi felt was no longer able to serve the assembly would meet their death; this made me extremely wary because I knew Anne was still suffering from Pneumonia. Given the poor condition in such a camp, it was definite that her health would deteriorate worse than before. Ever since our separation on the day we were captured, I had this constant fear haunting me that I would never be able to see her ever again; the thought of losing her drained every ounce of life out of me. I knew somewhere in my heart that if the Nazi was going to exterminate any more of the detainees in this camp, Anne’s life would be in jeopardy. Her Acute Pneumonia would eventually caused her death, if not already did; and I prayed earnestly in every minute of my life, hoping that God will have mercy on her and let her live through this tribulation. It was my greatest fear that she would be gruesomely murdered because her death would end mine as well.

I was fortunate enough to be spared from the ill treatment by the Nazi because of my knowledge and skills in the area of medical research, but it was my greatest curse as well. To be forced to serve the enemy that had ruined my country, I felt it was the most insulting to work for these lowlifes, but I knew this was the only way to stay alive. A few of us were needed to fulfil the evil cause of the Nazis. Two scientists, an engineer and I were chosen to serve the Nazi in finding new ways to test the limits of humans for the benefit of the German Armed Force. I was posted to assist Dr. Karl Brandt in so-called experiments to discover the most effective treatment for Malaria, bone transplant and Spotted Fever. I spent my days assisting Dr. Karl Brandt also known as Doctor Death in performing bizarre experiments on victims causing excruciating pain and many deaths, violating my principles and dignity to help my sole enemy in tormenting so many innocent lives. Such act had caused me as much pain as those victims who died in vain and I’m constantly filled with guilt, but I would keep on doing such deed because I had no other options. In order to see my beloved Anne again, this was my only hope because by doing so, by going against my conscience would I be able to keep myself from danger, to survive hoping to meet her again.

Life as a kapos, as a refugee assisting the Nazi to experiment on various diseases, I witnessed the most atrocious method to achieve cures. It’s ironic to see how the Germans could actually inflict more pain to a victim in the name of finding cures for the good of mankind. I always wondered if it is possible for a human to be so merciless, so brutal and cold-blooded for they feel no wrong or guilt in committing such crimes. I was assisting in finding a most effective way for bone and muscle regeneration as well as the method on bone transplant. Dr Karl Brandt and his team would use hard objects such as metal rod to purposefully break the bones of inmates and perform bone transplant surgery from one victim to another without anaesthetic, everyday I would hear the desperate cries of victims pleading in tears and desperation, wailing, asking for mercy but to no avail; I as a doctor known for my humanity could do nothing but watched them die in despair. In other times, numerous healthy inmates were deliberately infected with spotted fever virus in order to keep the virus alive; over ninety percent of the victims died as a result. Other healthy inmates were used to determine the effectiveness of different spotted fever vaccines and of various chemical substances but due to without proper research, many of them did not survive these experiments as well.

On the laboratory beside mine, Dr. Rudolf Megele, the assistant of Dr. Karl Brandt would conduct various experiments to investigate the immunization and treatment for Malaria; similar methods were used to conduct such research, healthy inmates were injected with the mucous from the glands of mosquitoes and left them aside until they were all infected with Malaria. After having contracted malaria the subjects were treated with various drugs to test their relative efficacy. As a result, many of the victims died and others suffered severe pain and permanent disability. I knew in the bottom of my heart that this should never ever be a way to conduct medical experiments; the lives of these war prisoners were seen to be worthless and the Nazi felt that they were all not of the Aryan superior race, hence they all deserved to die. The entrance to the laboratory was like a destination where selected victims who entered would never walk out of it again. It would be the last stop for many war prisoners, the end of their journey.

As cold blooded as I sound, in my heart, nothing concerned me anymore; nothing lived in me except the slightest hope to see my wife, Anne again. This is the only reason I would do anything to keep my life because I believed as long as I stay alive I would eventually see her again so I could find ways to treat her Pneumonia. I lived in fear from day to night hoping that she’s still alive, wishing that we could be reunited and live through such hardship and tribulation together...

Months later, the medical experiments subsided and I was assigned to conduct examination on some bodies to further expand my knowledge on the anatomy of human body. New corpses from the gas chambers victims were brought to me for post mortem every week. I would conduct examination on the dead bodies and I had a slight relief because I thought there was no need for me to serve in the torturous chamber anymore. I thought at least I was only responsible for performing autopsy on already passed away inmates until on one cold winter day...

I woke up to a dark chilly morning, feeling my skin numb and aching from this harsh winter, I looked around to see everyone else asleep, albeit restlessly. That man beside my bunk seems to be weeping silently in his dreams, probably wishing he could see his little daughter Annette again. The temperature in this shabby dormitory was as cold as always, but nothing beats the emptiness in my heart, especially that morning. I could not tell you I dreamt about her for I myself could not even recall when was the last time I slept. But I remembered from those brief moments when I closed my eyes, I saw her. I saw her dancing and smiling at me at the back of our garden, we were so happy and everything else was so naive that we never thought such tragedy could have happened to us. Picturing her in my mind seems to be something very difficult to do, her image in my mind was so vague for I’ve lost the only picture to remind me of my love, the only thing I could do at that moment was to keep the memories of her in my mind for as long as I can.

That morning, I did my routines as usual, I was going to conduct a few autopsy again. That day, the warden told me that three male and a female were coming in. I did not suspect a thing because I was partially living in pretence that Anne is still safe somewhere in this camp... until I undraped the white sheet covering the body. At that instant, I felt every ounce of blood drained out of my body, as I looked at Anne’s body right in front of my eyes. I dropped the surgical knife in my hand, trembling, feeling my body weak and numb; I fell to my knees looking at my wife’s body... In a slight moment I could not believe my eyes and kept convincing myself that it was not her, she was not Anne, Anne is still somewhere, Anne is still alive! It did not occurred to me that the moment I awaited for so long to meet Anne again was by staring at her cold body lying on my autopsy table, awaiting for me to cut her open. On that very instant, I literally lost my mind, the world around me started crumbling, and I was in vertigo. I could feel hot tears flowing down my cheeks; still denying that the crooked body in front of me is my wife. It’s not possible isn’t it? How could my beautiful wife be this crooked and gaunt lady?

My wife is dead; she was right in front of me. Her body was all thin and crooked from all these harsh treatment. They sent her to the gas chamber; they sent her because of her ailment and weak condition. What was there left in me anymore? The only reason I kept living in this macabre trials was to reunite with her again but there was no hope to it anymore. My worse fear became a reality, she left me. She left me permanently to suffer in this God forsaken place... I cursed God instantly, asking Him why He did this to us!? Why did he allow such tragedy to happen to us! I felt as if I lost the ability to breathe in air anymore, I felt as if I lost the will to go any further. Will I survive this camp? How long would the Second World War last? What was there for me to live for anymore even if the war ends tomorrow, she was the only reason I could live. She was the sole purpose I suppressed my dignity to work for those entire beasts. I could not do it anymore, I could not carry on with such life anymore... Slowly, I regained my energy and walked to the cabinet, injected myself with cyanide and paced calmly to the tray of surgical knives, picked a knife up and walked towards my wife, I meticulously cut open her chest and retrieved her heart; I could feel her blood cold, just like mine at that very moment, I stared at her once beautiful face with her heart on my hand, reminiscing those joyful moments we had together; flashbacks of our wedding day came to my mind like a recorded movie, repeating the moment we took our vows and the speech our rabbi spoke “...till death do us apart”. I smiled, blood dripping from my nose and ears, I could feel the toxic poisoning my body and I felt severe pain piercing through my organs, but I remained solemn and eerily calm, I continued to look at her and caressed my other hand on her face. I kissed her on the lips for one last time before I collapsed onto the floor, holding her heart to mine, and died with her in my thoughts, “...till death do us apart, my love. Till death do us apart”...

Had a nice long chat and updates with my darling ignes earlier. Looking back at the amount of time we spent together, no wonder both of us seems to be deprived of each other.

We talked about it, we reminisced on the days when alfons is still around, annoying but yet his presence so felt, we all know it's gonna be eerily quite in class when he isn't there.

Now that class's over, friends left. Presence no longer felt, that made me fearful. Will all the good people I meet, I see, I sense, I touch leave eventually? Can a friendship not stand through the test of time and trials?

I'm blessed enough to meet valueable good people in my life, amidst the ten thousand hopeless fucked up ones, at least there's a handful who no doubt will slap me back to reality when I need to. These are whom I called friends, the rest are no more than mere acquaintances. So these can jump down a building, got swallowed in the sea and I won't even shed a tear because they're not worth it.

However, looking at the departure of some friends I value from my life, especially people like alfons and kelly had me pondering will I be able to keep them in years to come? Or it simply means the end of a friendship, putting a full stop to all joy and laughter we once shared?

I don't know what you think about me, but I dare to confess I treat friends with every ounce of sincerity within my soul. 
However, just found out recently some people outside actually think I manipulate my friends, but oh well, you cannot satisfy everyone, I'm not a saint.

Even if I am Mahatma Ghandi, look! He died! Wtf. So what's the point. I'm not perfect, but neither have you. =) Enough said.

I want to keep these people close to me, I really do, but I learnt that in life it is not possible. Nothing is constant but change in life, this is what makes like so fucked up yet so beautiful at the same time.

Henceforth, my suggestions to everyone, live life for the moment. Just for this instance when you know you have good company and love around. If you're gonna sulk and worried about the time of when they will leave then you'll ultimately missed out the moment you spend with your dear friends now.

That's living life for the moment No. 1.

Now, No. 2.

On people you love. Or like. I don't know and don't care. I can't seem to differentiate now these days.

But, one thing I know for sure, if you expect too much, you'll probably disappoint yourself much more later. So...

Live just for the moment, if it goes wrong or awry, don't look back. 
Don't shed so much tears. Focus your life in another direction and stomp forward, never look back then even if its painful. Because I now know pain is just a process, it will inevitably come to an end.

If all things turn well, bravo! and pat yourslf on the back. =)
If you're unsure, sit back, relax and wait to see what comes.  

Why not be happy now and think about the rest later? I don't know what the future holds now, and that is my biggest fear. But I supposed if I'm worried or vice versa, I still need to get my butt moving on with life ain't it?

I can't possibly hang myself in every obstacles I will face can't I? If so, I'll probably need more life than a cat to survive. Heh.

So yeah! Im going to brave it this time! Tilt my chin up and say "Live life just for the moment babe, just for the moment..."

This is and hopefully is to come.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Life is but a tale told by an idiot,
Full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

And is then heard no more...

But now, thy breathes air of contentment.

 

"These are thy moments,
past or future,
Thy Contentment."

Have a Nice Day.

Sometimes, people just don’t get it. I tried very hard to explain, express and dissect the whole situation but they can’t seem to digest this whole scenario, to them it is as if I’m mouthing meaningless gibberish; simply because they don’t listen intently, not putting themselves into my fucking shoes.

Yes. Them also means them who gave me my life.

However, does that mean I need to stuck up, and obey EVERYTHING they ask me to do? Can’t a child at least have their own stance?

I’m officially done with my studies. If you asked if I’m excited or did I celebrate with crates of beers and cheap booze with skanky top. I’ll tell you – NO. Not at all, because for one I loathed the coming of this day more than anything else and it has nothing great to be in festive mood about.

Simply because I know the industry is just another outback for power hungry creatures that can’t wait to stab you from behind, and not resists throwing your gut away before giving you one last kick down the corporate stairs. This is life.

I know I’m going to miss out on many other rights I’m allowed to as a student, say for example be rebellious and watches the dawn or sunrise outside a mamak stall, cyber cafe or just at home like now simply because, “fuck class man, my attendance is still good”. Try doing this while you’re working, you’ll get the boot out of that door immediately.  There goes your dream about Louis Vuitton bag, another hundred miles further to grasp...

I’m not procrastinating, I hereby repel every judgement, comment, or statement put against me now while you’re reading this. You have no rights and you’re not psychic, you don’t read minds, and you’re not God, so shut up.

The current I am fearful and uncertain of what is yet to come in the next chapter of my life. Will my story ends well or out of expectation is something I can never grasp or feel all I could do is to anticipate in hollow, not knowing what to do next. This is me.

I’m trying very hard to sustain or to keep the last chapter of my life; it was a beautiful chapter, although bitter yet very sweet. I’m just not ready to give up yet.

Why the rush in pushing me into the ocean, expecting me to survive the drowning so soon? I’ve studied for the past 17 years without proper rest. After my SPM, I went straight to college when every other peer is switch to a compulsive-all-night-party-mechanism.

It just isn’t fair! Why can’t I just slow down a beat, to at least take look around me, all the things I had missed, small details which finally make up our life without us even realizing. Are we all so consumed into the money making business we forgot about the beauty around us? I’m actually ahead of time, why can’t I be otherwise?

You must be thinking I’m crazy, wasting time for idle and nothingness.
However, you numbwits tell me, who in the world defined that wasting time equals to losers; as well as who suggested that start working slightly later means you have more disadvantages compared to people who started work earlier?

Quoted by my babe, “If the culture doesn’t fit, don’t buy it”. I say “fuck it”

Yea you earn more than me, so? Like I’ll get bald, or my cat’s gonna jump down the 17^th floor and die. Not that I have a cat or something, but hello!? Wake up call! Bottomline is, no one gives a shit about what you own or earn. Get real.

Parents, I respect you dearly, but I hope you can respect the culture I cultivated within myself.

This is my voice, this is me.

Have a nice day.

 

Life Brief Candle

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.  Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more; it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

AND

Sonnet 18

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Thou art more lovely and more temperate:

Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,

And summer's lease hath all too short a date:

Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,

And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;

And every fair from fair sometime declines,

By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;

But thy eternal summer shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;

Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou growest:

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this and this gives life to thee.   One denouncing the brief of human life, another announcing the everlasting of love and beauty. Both notion contradicting yet complimenting. Could it be anymore perfect than this? Oh Shakespeare, my great artistic poet.

Have you ever lost or about to lose somebody so dear to you, you felt the axis of the world had stopped?

or what about the world stop rotating abruptly without any sign or warning, sending more chaos to you more then ever before?

Me, Audrey Wong Zhi Xin hereby admit that she's the greatest loser of all time.
The core of this shit is always due to the reason she's too much of an idealist to survive... She might as well hang herself to do this world a better place huh?

She thought things will be good for once.
She thought God might actually have His hands over her this time.
She thought God will give her blessing this time.
She thought - "Come on, not all good things come to an end isn't it?"
She's naive enough to think people are actually sincere to her.
She's stupid enough to think all good friends won't leave her.
She's too dumb to not know that people don't let go of their past easily, unlike her.
She's too fucked up a girl to actually think everything last forever, including love.

Not just any love, but friendship love, love love, sibling love, parental love...

She's too naive to actually think that there's a bright light ahead, leading her away from the partial darkness she was submerged in.

You know the old tale saying that goes "Once bitten, twice shy"?
Well, the first time around, she thought to herself - "Damn! this is so effing painful right now"

However, she is sure that she can overcome it, crossing her heart with her left palm, convincing herself that there's no one in this world that she can't live without except herself and God. She tries to put on a tough and strong facade, hopefully to fool the rest of the world including herself that she will effing survive...
no matter what the consequences, the issue, the problems, the bastards..

Then, she overcame. After much pain.

She was glad. She thought she's gonna recover fully.

Not for very long time.

She then see a light over the dark tunnel, she literally ran for it, because she was deprived of sun, or to say hope and love.

Not knowing she'll end up like a moth attracted to light then destroyed their own lives afterwards.

She was unsure at first, because she's phobic of repeating history...

But she is also too idealistic a person to let her guard off so easily this time.  

She judged by her instinct which fails her over and over again, she became irrationale...

She actually thought that bitch call life's gonna give her a break. Hahaha, this is some funny shit ain't it? Come on, laugh, I know I'm that stupid.

It turns out, the light is just superficial, there's still a long stretch of tunnel ahead, shielding her away from her light. That ray she saw up ahead, it's just her imagination, an oasis, something that appears because you wanted it to, then it disappear right after you've given everything to it...

I don't care what they say, some in fact try to pull me away, however they don't know the truth... (I know it sounds familiar, go figure, it speaks my heart now)

Life's brief candle, she try to make the best out of her life, not regretting any road not taken.

However, she to realized this will include, wrong way, unexpected destination and fate.
She knows pain is inevitable but sometimes, too pain a time can really break somebody.

She's about to go back to ground zero, back to square one.
Back to nothing at all, she don't mind starting over again, she's done it a million times anyway, what's the big deal ain't it?

But the pain that comes with it, it's so painful if I were to describe it now, It'll sound surreal to you.

Fault to herself for giving all so easily without making sure of the situation.

Now, people might ridicule her for some other reasons, for some other grapevine piece of shit, but it doesn't concerns her. Yes, she's slightly affected but not compared to the blow she'll receive soon...

Will this blow really comes? she have no idea, she might be making all this shit up in her mind, she's too complicated in her eff-up brain!

But she can't help it, somebody told her not to think about it, she'll try she promised herself, after this entry is up, she'll try again. and again. and again...

Now, she don't actually know how she feels, she should be smoking compulsively, lighting up one after another...

But instead, she don't know how she feels, she don't feel anything, maybe because it happened so fast, it's not translated into her system yet.

She's not feeling sad nor happy, maybe a little worried, but bottomline is...

She feels numb. Oh the feeling, bitter yet sweet. wtf.

Have a nice day.
 

 

I got this quote from Foogy's backdated blog. Find it uberly hilarious.
So I posted it up to amuse who ever pathetic souls that still read my half dead blog.

Here it goes:


"You know whats the difference between "Sensual" and "Kinky"? Sensual is when you stroke a feather on her skin. Kinky is when you use the whole bird."


-Ben Lee-



My reactions was -

1) wtf?
2) laughed my ass off albeit metaphorically.
3) concluded that there's no any better way to make this comparison, it's effing perfect!
4) I'm being lame because I'm extending word count by writing crap.
5) Okthnxbai!

...Feeling complicated with unjust frustration.             

I need somebody, anybody and everybody to hear me out. I never regretted the path that I chose for my life, or at least I made myself not to. Nothing is constant but change in this world. At one moment, you thought you see rays shining through the clouds, lifting your spirits, feeling the breeze of freedom caressing your cheek and your body felt as light as feather, with no responsibility, no commitment, no burdens. .

You thought you’re sailing through a bright new day, when just then you should have stop, think and give yourself a tight slap, scratch that, make it two tight slaps, for not realizing what a bitch life could be.

When you thought you’ve discovered something, and is still so fascinated by it, more than often you’ll be awaken by a cruelty I called – Reality, when every bit of bliss, imagination, your own refuge is shattered, crushed to ashes, gone with the fucking wind.

Yea, and you fall back down to dirt, broken the wings that you’ve used to search for that thing all thinkers and spiritualists is looking for called happiness and enlightenment.

[Hello reality, I know you’re here to stab me further, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so.. Keep on stabbing will yea? Because I know for sure it is only when you feel pain, then you know what it is like when you’re happy. However as truth prevails, we hardly get any of it aren’t we? Shit.]

This is not the first time I’ve encountered such problem, and I never thought I could be this stupid again to repeat history. Friendship without foundation of trust, sincerity and integrity, built superficially on laughter, silly jokes and idle conversation will end up collapsing on you, leaving you paralysed, literally breathless.

Just because all ye self-righteous idiots felt you’ve found a brother from another mother to shake the dirt off your shoulder; you decided to close off all your senses, not staying alert on what is the fucking truth yet, before placing your foolish, shallow and gibberish judgement, as if you are higher than others, having more rights to think who’s right and who’s wrong, who are friends and foes. You’re nothing but ethnocentric- egoistic-think-you-know-it-all-so-called-damn-cool-dogs, follower of scumbags who actually he or she knows something, you being pea-sized brain just succumb and go with it. Where is your stance? Your own opinion, or put it bluntly, you fucking brains?

 Grow up and be independent, your momma’s not going to be there for you to wipe your ass anymore you know, learn how to open your goddamn eyes wide and see clearer. Stop being the subject of a ventriloquist. Aren’t you tired of being a puppet all the time? Be a human for god sake.
Stop thinking you’re goddamn cool, in actual fact you’re just living in an oasis of bliss, your cool factor is here now, but it will be gone in another second. What goes around comes around; Hope you’re better in coping it when you face the similar incident, I’ll see how you cry out to God then, asking for mercy and if I’m God, I’ll just laugh at you and shake my head. ;)

This is and is to come, and this is life – A beauty I called Bitch.

 

It's been a really long time since I last updated. I'm no longer the Audrey with all sorts of expression and emotion flooding out of me, bitching and ranting about why even did God created retards and morons into this earth causing so much unnescessay hassle, interrupting the 'Qi' and equilibrium of this world.  

However, after much pondering and questioning if my guilt will overtake and drown me after this post, I made a decision to talk about generally some people I've encountered throughout my life.

As you may know, I'm graduating in no time. Soon, I'll have to open my eyes wide and let the filth of this place to welcome me to the real world. Bottom line is, Idealist who perceived that this place you're living in is ideal and stress-free. I shall see you under the food chain.

I have no intention of pushing anyone around me down as I try to strive for achievement. But whether I like it or not, I can't help but there are people who would cast away all their conscience and try to step you over and pretend that they're the best saint in the whole of this fucking world.

I normally call this people bitches, but in this case, I call these people "Inferior Bitches". =)

Answer me, If you so happened to be in a group of people, be it your workplace or social circle, you will always notice someone who would try to "compete" or even "say things that would pull your esteem down".

As for yours truly, of course the same thing occured. What this inferior people did was to either say things that show you're incompetent or do things behind your back or infront of you with a loose manner, thinking that I'll probably won't notice that these lowlife did what they did.

I'm not that stupid lowlife! I choose to act stupid sometimes, you have no idea how I'll break you into half before you know it. =) I definately belive I'm first and foremost, better looking and smarter than you.  

Hah! The truth is -

Only people who feel inferior try to pull down people's esteem. If your esteem is high flying, why would you in the first place try to prove that the rest or somebodyelse is not up to your level since your self confidence is optimum?

I'm not outrageously fantastic or smart, but I'm contented with myself, therefore you don't see me going out trying to prove to my friends that I'm better than them. SIMPLY BECAUSE I'M NOT INSECURE.

Unlike you. =)

Every action or words you used, with an intention to rip my confidence.
It actually backfires, you just gave me a confidence boost.

Because I now know for a fact that you are so insecure and envious about me, you're willing to do all sorts of stupid things to pull me down.

But instead, I'm happy that YOU'RE TRYING SO HARD. AND FAILED.

IMITATION IS THE BEST FORM OF ADMIRATION.

You'll only continue to make yourself look bad.
Come on, you know it, no matter what, whether or not it's true that I'm better than you (maybe not - but i have no issue), You'll still be envious of me. I also truly belive that I'll remain better than you. =)  

You have issues, deal with it before it consumes you entirely.

Take hold of your own identity, I have mine, so do you. I don't want to be you, why do you want to be me?

If you think you're ugly, you're gonna be ugly you know!
Instead of start telling yourself you're beautiful, why are you doing mean things to let others think that you're better? You're still gonna be ugly and the person you try to pull down will remain as beautiful as they are!
(beauty as an example only* subject to change)

CONCLUSION:

GET RID OF YOUR IDENTITY CRISIS OR WHATEVER ISSUES YOU HAVE AND STOP DOING STUPID MEAN THINGS ALREADY. BECAUSE YOU'RE MAKING ME HAPPY. =) I BELIEVE EVEN MORE NOW THAT I AM BETTER THAN YOU SINCE YOU'RE TRYING SO HARD TO PULL ME DOWN, OR ELSE WHY WOULD YOU DO SO?

Go on and have a pathetic life trying to figure out why are you so ugly.
You think you're not good enough from the outside, but by doing so many unworthy things, you just showed the world You're ugly from the inside now too. You just lost all the virtues I see in you.

Now, to me you're simply a lowlife with no virtues at all.

Have a pathetic life ahead as I soar high above you "Inferior Bitch".

Ciao.